Dear Lisa at Seventeen,
Teen Lisa!
You have just locked yourself in your ex-boyfriend’s bathroom. You broke up two weeks ago. You turn on the faucet and let the hot water run and run. You just had sex on his parents’ bed, with your pants around your ankles and your hiking boots on. You are wearing your boots because it is winter and it was snowing when you left your house. You were still wearing your boots in bed, because you didn’t want to have sex. Your ex-boyfriend knew this. He didn’t care.
You stare at yourself in his mirror, steam already forming from the running faucet: your lips are raw, your hair is tangled, and your cheeks are blood red. You did like your ex-boyfriend in the past. You did let him have sex with you, lots of times—but not this time, and he did it anyway.
He did it anyway.
You try to justify what has happened. Maybe he didn’t understand that you really didn’t want to. You said no, but did you say it enough? Did you say it loudly enough? Did he even hear you? Maybe it’s okay that he did what he did because you guys had been together before. Yes, you admit to your reflection—maybe you didn’t have a right to say no, because you’d said yes so many times.
But, not this time, and the more he insisted, pulled at the button on your jeans, tugged at your shirt, the less you wanted to.
You didn’t want to.
You really didn’t want to.
So, how did this happen?
How did you end up on his parents’ bed with him on top of you, holding your arms down? How did you end up locked in his bathroom? Why are you even at his house?
Because you felt flattered that he wanted to see you even after you broke up.
This is what that got you.
You know you’re not crazy. Your ex-boyfriend did have sex with you without your permission. You think about your friend’s eyes when he walked in unannounced and found you two; the whites of them wide. He looked shocked, terrified standing in the doorway of the bedroom and watching. But, he didn’t say anything, even when your ex-boyfriend turned around and said, give us a minute.
Your friend just walked away. He didn’t help you. But he will call you later and ask if you are okay. You will be sitting in your bedroom in the dark, with your boots still on, but you will say yes, because you don’t know what else to say, because it is too painful to think otherwise. Your friend will say, It looked like you didn’t want to be there, but he will never say the word rape and he will never mention it again.
You look into the bathroom mirror and comb your fingers through the knots in your hair. You know your ex-boyfriend is outside smoking a cigarette. You know you will have to walk by him when you leave. That you will have to see him tomorrow when you go to school. That you will have to see him again and again in the hallways and in class and at parties and that you will not have the guts to look at him.
You will think about what he did to you every day. In the next months, you will skip school and run away from home and do anything you can to not think about it. Your parents will send you to a psychiatric ward because they won’t know what else to do with you, and you will never realize that this night might be why. You will never realize it until the thirty-five-year-old Lisa writes this letter. For this, Lisa, I am so sorry.
Adult Lisa!
If I could be with you in that bathroom, I would hug your trembling body close and tell you that this was not your fault. That you had a right to say no. That he should have listened to you. That you shouldn’t be afraid to tell someone, even though I understand why you are. That your friend is a jerk for not telling someone, and not helping you. You deserved to be helped.
I would tell you that you will leave this ex-boyfriend far behind. You will go to college and make true friends and have so much fun and learn more than you could ever imagine. You will fill your head up with books and writing and anything your classes can teach you.
I would tell you that one day you will find a man who truly loves you. Who wants to kill this ex-boyfriend. You will learn that you are talented and smart and funny and worthy of respect. You will be a published author. You will be a wonderful wife and daughter and sister and friend.
You will finally become yourself.
You will finally be able to say, I said no.
Entangled Teen, May 2012.
Lisa Burstein is a tea seller by day and a writer by night. She received her MFA in Creative Writing from the Inland Northwest Center for Writers at Eastern Washington University and is glad to finally have it be worth more than the paper it was printed on. She lives in Portland, Oregon with her very patient husband, a neurotic dog and two cats. Pretty Amy is her first novel.
She was a lot like Amy when she was in high school.
She is still a lot like Amy.
Thank you for this, Lisa. I know it couldn’t have been easy to share. Hopefully, this dear teen me will help a teen in a similar situation, give them hope and the courage not to stay silent. Having a somewhat similar story, I know this helped me. It’s difficult to relive, but again, thank you.
Dear current day Lisa, You are incredibly brave and strong, and I admire you so much!
Aw, Lisa, I would hug you right now if I could. What a letter. Thank you for sharing your story, and I am so glad that you are the person you are today. You’ve proven that we can rise above our pasts.
I love this. Your voice shines through in this letter and I’m very anxious for a moment to snuggle down with this book.
I didn’t have this experience (though I certainly had my share of run-ins with aggressive/manipulative boys/men), but I have friends who did, and I will be sharing this with them. And when my daughter is older, I will share it with her, too.
Thank you for this gift.
Lisa, you make me cry. I’m so proud of you for writing about this because I think it can really help another girl who finds herself in the same situation (I hope that doesn’t sound condescending because it isn’t meant to be at all). Hugs and all my love to you, darling!
Lisa – Thank you for being so brave. Wow, what we would tell our teen selves if we got the chance. How often to do we thank God that we made it through all of the stuff that we went through? I know I do.
You made it for a reason – because you needed to tell your story for others and you needed to write books that will speak the souls of teen girls.
Hugs,
Robin
My heart goes out to the teen Lisa, and you. What a brutally honest letter. So sorry that you had to experience this moment, and so glad that you had the strength to live through it, and share it with others.
Lisa,
I know this was something hard to share, but thank you. There are so many people that have gone through and will go through this similar thing. I’m sorry you had to go through this yourself, but this letter gives us all hope. ((HUGS))…
Writing this comment through tears
What a wonderful, brave letter.
You are so brave to share this story. I want to hug both you ow, and the seventeen year old Lisa. I can’t imagine going through something like that.
Lisa this is brave and touching!
And I wish your teen Lisa could have talked to my adult Lisa. My ex-husband had trouble hearing me say no. I never gave it any weight, because he was my husband. Instead I just felt smaller and less worthy. But after divorce and therapy I finally realized you should always be heard.
And you did say No…
*HUGS*
Lisa K.
Wow, what a powerful post. You are so brave to share this and hopefully it will help someone out there. *hugs*
Dear adult Lisa. You are brave, inspiring, talented, and beautiful. Your seventeen year old self would be proud of who you have become. I am so sorry this happened to you, you didn’t deserve it. No girl does. But I admire you so much for sharing. Lots of hugs and love!
Oh wow. I’m tearing up at work. I simultaneously want to hug you and inform you that I know a really nice, secluded area of woods for… well, you know.
*hugs*
Oh girl, I want to hug you, stand up and cheer for your bravery in writing this, and then hug you some more. Writing anything is hard…writing something so personal is even harder. It takes guts and love and strength to put this out there so that you can help others who have been in similar situations–whether they are like the teen Lisa, or like the friend who didn’t say or do enough, or a friend watching a friend self-destruct and not think to look deeper and find out why. Your beautiful spirit shines in every line of this letter….and I am honored to be your friend. <3 <3 <3
There was pain in and under ever word you chose. I’m sorry your friend let you down – that’s a pain that must equal the arrogance of your ex-boyfriend and the violation you suffered. You said NO.
Thank you for such honesty, Lisa. Your letter is heart-wrenching. It must have taken so much courage to write this. In admiration, Tonya
If it is possible for me to admire, respect and love you anymore than I already do, it would be this letter that puts it over the top. You are a brave, caring woman. I hope this letter gives other women in this situation the courage to speak out.
Best always,
Tina
*applauding*
So, so proud of you Lisa. Thank you for being brave enough to share this story and for providing a ton of encouragement and hope to the other young Lisa’s out there reading it. THIS is part of the reason you were gifted with the ability to write–you need to share this story.
What a brave person you are.
To have gone through what you did, and be able to put it on paper so many years later, show a very strong person.
I will definitely have to share this post.
Thank you so much for sharing a painful portion of your past.
Thank you for this. Something similar happened to me once, with a friend. I never confronted him. I tried to tell my best friend who treated me like I was crazy. So for almost 17 yrs, I’ve never once mentioned it. Not even to my husband. I remember my mom confronting me after I’d gotten drunk, again. She asked me why I was doing this to myself. I wanted to tell her it was to take the pain, the shame away. I said nothing.
So, thank you, Lisa. I wish 17yo Andrea and 17yo Lisa could have been there for each other.
Lisa, thank you for having the courage to tell your story. It took me years to even be able to associate the word rape with what was done to me. I did say no, but I also wondered afterward if I hadn’t said it enough times or loudly enough or forcefully enough or with enough emotion. I tried to justify it in my mind. The truth is, though, that there is no justification for it.
Thank you for putting a name to it in a very public way.
I am bawling. Thank you for this letter. I hope it reaches a young girl who needs it. I’m sorry it wasn’t there for you when you did. You are brave and fierce and I’m so proud to be your friend.
This is an important letter, Thank you for writing it. Thank you even more for sharing it!
Lisa, thank you for your incredible courage in sharing this story. It will help others. I know it. And your courage in the face of that horror, and in coming to terms with what happened and in knowing that it is not your fault. I admire you and am in awe of your strength. Thank you.
Dear Lisa (both of you)
The experiences we have, and in some cases the ones we merely survive, are the foundation of who we are.
I am sorry that this happened to you but I am also grateful for the woman and the writer you have become, as a result of and also in spite of…..
When my daughter was 17, all I wanted was to put my arms around her and take away the hurt. Now that she is 26, I know that even a mother’s love can’t take away the hurt–she had to let it go herself-like you have, today.
I think your very personal story might help more than one 17 year old step a bit closer to forgiveness.
Thank you,
Susan
Thank you all so much for your comments and encouragement. I will admit, I am feeling as exposed as seventeen year old Lisa today, but with your support and hugs, I am working on that
.
What a courageous letter! Sharing your story will no doubt help others that have suffered in silence. Thank you.
wow. This hit home. My experience was at 16 and it is now what they call date rape. I said no several times, however I finally gave in because I was afraid it would hurt worse if I didn’t. I only told my best friend (now my husband) and that was several months later. Believe me this was not how I wanted to lose my virginity. My best friend seriously wanted to harm this “person”, but harming them wouldn’t have done any good. Instead he made sure this guy knew that he knew and I didn’t have a problem with him trying anything else. I am still having trouble forgiving myself for not fighting back.
After wiping my own tears away, I forwarded this to my nearly 17yo daughter. Thank you so much for sharing your experience so I can hopefully help her avoid something similar.
You’re amazing.
I know a young lady who went through just this type of thing. How much worse it is that people of authority are just as likely to blame the victim.
Probably the most moving post I’ve ever read…
Dear Lisa,
I am proud of you – both of you – for your strength and courage and ability to survive. I could write the same letter to my 20-year-old self, so I know what it took to write and to share and to move past it. These words don’t express everything I wish I could say, that I want to say, but just know I’m proud of what you did today, and it will help others. xoxo Laura
What an amazing, honest, and heartbreaking letter. Thank you, Lisa. I’m certain that this will touch and help other girls in this situation, and the women with similar memories. *hugs*
Thank you, Lisa, for being so brave in writing this post. It’s incredible (and incredibly sad) how many others are coming out with similar experiences, but I think the best thing we can do is exactly this: talk about it, so that those coming after us know they are empowered to speak out, to say no. I hope you found some closure in your experience with all of us today. xoxo
Amazing letter Lisa. Very brave. I too am showing this to my teenage daughter.
And FWIW I want to kill him too!
Thank you for writing such a heartfelt, heartbreaking, raw, true letter that will help so many people out there. You are such a special person to share this, and your writing talent with so many people.
Lisa, this touched me on so many levels. I thought about you at 17 and how confused and hurt you must have felt. I thought about you now and how you’ve made sense of such a shocking betrayal by two people you thought cared about you.But I also thought about how as mothers and sisters and friends we need to share your story with our daughters and their friends, so they understand that it is every woman’s right to say no, whenever and to whomever she chooses.
Exactly what Natalie said. I’m wiping away my tears waiting for my 17 year-old to get off the phone so we can talk about it. What an amazing post. Thank you for being brave enough to share it. I hope I get to meet you some day.
A wonderfully brave post, Lisa.
Kudos to you.
Hugs through my tears (( ))
Oh, this made me cry. Thank you so much for writing it, Lisa. I’m sure the honesty and bravery in this letter will give so many people strength.
Thanks for sharing. This example shows the many layers of sexual assault, and that it’s not always a tragedy of a drunk girl going too far at a party, which I wrongly believed as a teen. The worst is that so many girls blame themselves and carry that weight for years.
Crying here. Thank you so much for this.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
That is all.
I applaud your bravery and candor. May your lovely story help the teenage girls that might otherwise keep silent find their voice.
Thank you so much for sharing this–this happened to me too, and it is such a relief to know that I’m not alone, and that it wasn’t my fault. I hope every teen who is a sexual assault victim gets a chance to read this.
Lisa– so sad. Hugs and thanks for speaking out. It took me 20 years to tell. I was ‘the best friend’. She told me the next day…our friend’s brother would not hear no. She’s only five feet tall. He was scary. We cried and never told anyone else. Not for over twenty years did we ever speak of it. Not once and we had weddings and babies and lives near each other and so much love.
Teach your daughters to fight and tell everything. Teach your sons, brothers and guy friends that you expect them to take a stand–to use their strengths to protect. Ask them what they would do and follow groups like ‘men can stop rape’.
Try, if you can, to forgive the friend for being afraid and a kid just like you. You were living in a time where things were much more unsaid, untexted and untweeted than they are now. I bet he’s never let that moment go, either. I never did. My friend still has nightmares. I’m will be sorry forever, but i hope love and our friendship will help heal what happened to her.I love what you wrote –how you write. This letter will help heal others. Oh, and your book –Pretty Amy– is awesome. Did we mention that? Does it help at all?
Xo Annie n Kika
How very brave of you to share this part of your life, Lisa. I’m proud of the guts it took to write this, and hope it helps someone else recover from a similar experience. Also, bravo on turning out to be the beautiful, strong, intelligent, and accomplished person you are today despite this challenge. Hugs, girl.
Dear Lisa, thank you for this truly touching and personal letter, and for sharing it with us and bravo on becoming the courageous and brave woman you are today!!
Lisa, thank you for sharing your story. There are so many young people (male and female alike) who are afraid to admit this to themselves, let alone speak up. Hopefully knowing that they are not alone in this will give them the strength to face and deal with their situation in whatever way is most healthy for them. *hugs*
powerful and brave. glad you’re doing well now
Wow…what a powerfully touching, inspiring, and sadly-all too familiar story. I admire you for sharing this and love the motivation behind doing so! Thank you for telling your story and I pray it helps to empower young girls (and guys) everywhere!
Like a gut punch that leaves you marveling at the emotional strength of the writer…thank you for sharing, Lisa.
Thank you for sharing this. I hope one day to have the courage to let go of my story. Much love and empowerment to you.
Oh Lisa. It took a lot of guts to post this. Thank you. I’m so glad the Lisa of now has learned just how strong she can be. Truly powerful post.
I want to find Rep Akin and force him to read this.
You’re a brave woman for sharing this *hugs* You’ve helped so many young women by doing so.
Wow. That is one of the bravest things to be able to say. You did say “no”.
Oh, Lisa, You brought tears to my eyes. How horrible, and how brave of you to share these personal thoughts and pain. Even though every woman has not been raped, every woman has suffered the indignities of being seen as a sexual object at some point in her life. Thank you for this post.
Wow, this is… so amazing that you wrote this and shared it with everyone. It must have been so hard, both sharing this and being in that experience, and I want to say that all of us have your back, and we all support your stance against that freak of an ex-boyfriend.
And I just googled Akin… I’m kind of appalled at his… stupidity, almost. I mean seriously?!?! How the heck can you… never mind. It’s just too dumb to say again. He ‘misspoke’ quite a bit. Sigh. Some people…. Sigh. Never mind. I want to give him some benefit of the doubt but… ugh.
Thank you so much for this post
Thank-you for sharing this – reading it brought tears to my eyes. It’s so sad that there are still people who cast doubt on when rape is rape and try to suggest that the victim has to take responsibility.
I hope it helps other girls and women to hear that being raped isn’t their fault, that they can come through this and that there are people out there who care and want to understand how they’re feeling.
“If I can throw a single ray of light across the darkened pathway of another; if I can aid some soul to clearer sight of life and duty, and thus bless my brother; if I can wipe from any human cheek a tear, I shall not have lived my life in vain while here.” THank you for sharing this!
Tears flowing…thank you. Amazingly similar to my story. It’s a shame so many of us share THIS as a common experience. Took me WELL into adulthood to work thru it and “become myself” and I still struggle with it even thought it happened over 25 years ago.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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Lisa that is an amazing step in healing the hurt that we women hide when we are violated. We always say it is out fault maybe we said or did something wrong but no is no know matter how you look at it. Sharing your letter is going to help a lot of girls out there who are hurting. God Bless for having the strength to tell your story.