Dear Teen Me from Author Karen Amanda Hooper (TANGLED TIDES)
Dear Karen,
Karen on her 17th Birthday.
Happy seventeenth birthday. Now that you’ve blown out the candles and made a wish, put down this letter, walk five steps to your left and hug Anthony. Breathe him in until your lungs can’t hold anymore. Because no matter how many times you smell Polo Sport, it will never smell as good as it does on him. Also, look into his dark puppy dog eyes and tell him how much you love him.
Seriously, do it right now. Then come back and read the rest of this letter. I will wait.
Man, he smells amazing doesn’t he? You’re a lucky girl to be loved by such a great guy. Savor him.
I debated whether or not to write this letter. I’m scared that telling you about the future will negatively alter the space-time continuum in some cataclysmic way. Warning you about what will happen in two weeks might change your entire life. I hope and pray that it does. But what if I do more harm than good?
You believe that everything happens for a reason (at least I think you already believed that at your age) so I will leave you with this advice: Say what you mean. Follow your heart. Love like there is no tomorrow.
Please, follow those rules like life depends on it, and we’ll see if it changes your/my/our future.
Love,
Your 32-year-old self
FIFTEEN DAYS LATER
Oh Karen,
I’m so sorry that my warning didn’t change anything. I’m sorry you are living a nightmare. I wish I could be there to hold you while you sob, kick, punch things and scream. I’m so, so, so sorry that Anthony is gone.
I wish I could say that in time you will forget, but that would be a lie. Even at 32 years old I can still see his mustang skidding off the road and flipping through the air. I can still feel his bleeding head cradled in my/your lap. I can still hear him whispering his last words over the wailing sirens. My heart and soul is shattering into pieces like it all happened yesterday, and for you, it happened tonight.
Walk out of that shock trauma room. No matter how many times you beg, plead, shake him, or kiss his lifeless face, he’s not coming back. Go home, wash the blood from your hands, crawl into bed, pull the covers over your head, and stay there as long as you need to. It’s hard to believe, but I promise, you will survive this. When you’re ready, another letter from me will be waiting for you.
Words can’t express,
Your 32-year-old self
DAYS/WEEKS/WHAT-FEELS-LIKE-AN-ETERNITY LATER
Dearest Karen,
I know how wretched, unfair, and not-worth-living life seems right now. The nightmare repeats every time you close your eyes. You keep asking why, but no one is answering. You’re trying to bargain with a God who you now doubt exists. I’ll save you some time—God is not going to take you too. At least not anytime soon.
Teen Karen.
You feel angry, guilty, empty, numb, lost and a dozen other emotions that you can’t control. But mostly you feel so alone. I assure you; you are not alone. As hard as it is to hear right now, your life is not over. Many people are worried about you, heartbroken for you, and want to be there for you. You can’t hear or see them because you’re living in a dreary cloud of solitude, but trust me; beyond your veil of grief, family and friends are waiting with open arms—and so is your future.
The rest of this summer doesn’t matter. It will be a sad blur of nothingness in your memory. However, this fall, you start your senior year, and thank goodness you already enrolled for Creative Writing 2, because you need Mrs. Geczy and her classes even more than last year. Writing won’t take away all of your pain (as I’m writing this letter you still aren’t entirely healed) but pouring your emotions onto paper helps more than anything else. Don’t hold back. Write like a mad woman. Don’t worry about the tears smudging the ink. Just let it out. Anthony will inspire some of the most beautiful and tragic parts of your writing (even when you’re 32). And when Mrs. Geczy tells you that someday you’re going to write a book, believe her.
Maybe that’s why I’m supposed to write to you, to tell you to value yourself more. Believe that you are capable of great things. Losing Anthony seems so impossibly hard right now, but you weren’t left behind as punishment, you’re here because your journey is not over. In the future, you’ll look back at this dreadful time in your life and remember that because you were strong enough to survive this, you can survive anything.
“Live and learn” will become the mantra of your existence. You’re going to make a lot of mistakes, and some terrible decisions, but you make some good ones too. You’ve just learned how ugly this world can be, but beauty still awaits you. You will travel to parts of the world that are breathtaking, you’ll meet lots of wonderful people, you will literally climb mountains, you’ll swim with wild dolphins and sea turtles, and you’ll jump from airplanes. You will learn that you are stronger and braver than you think.
Anthony was taken from this world much too early, but starving yourself, sitting at his grave every day for hours, and crying yourself to sleep in his bed just so you can smell him on his pillows, is not going to bring him back. Nothing will. But here’s a secret from your future: one of your prayers is answered. Anthony never truly leaves you.
Adult Karen!
Some people, and our experiences with them, are so powerful that they remain in our heart and soul forever. They change how we look at look at the world, ourselves, others, and this crazy roller coaster ride called life. The night Anthony died, you were eternally changed. Your innocence was ripped away, but your curiosity about the universe—and what might exist beyond our awareness—was sparked. That spark will grow into an imagination and creative fire that burns brighter than the stars.
The End is never easy to accept when you lose someone you loved so dearly. But be thankful for the time you had together. Be grateful that Anthony was such an amazing and influential character in your storybook called life. He always will be.
My original advice to you still applies: Say what you mean. Follow your heart. And most importantly, love like there is no tomorrow.
Rhemalda Publishing, November 2011.
Karen was born and bred in Baltimore, frolicked and froze in Colorado for a couple of years and is currently sunning and splashing around Florida with her two beloved dogs. She’s addicted to coffee, chocolate and complicated happily-ever-afters.
Someday, Karen will finish writing the novel inspired by the events mentioned in the above letter, and believe it or not, it will have a happy ending—sort of.
Her debut YA fantasy novel, TANGLED TIDES, was released November 2011 and is making a splash with mermaid and ocean lovers. To find out more about Karen and her books visit www.KarenAmandaHooper.com.
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Wow. What a powerful and beautiful post to your teen self. And your adult self too.
I’m sitting here at my desk trying to hold back tears! This is so beautiful.
What a powerful letter.
After what you’ve been through, I expect you will write many great stories….. Thanks for sharing such a tragic incident.
Sobbing.
This is beautiful, Karen.
That was beautiful – Its terrifying how sad things usually are. I am so glad you got up and got through, because the world would undoubtedly be missing a great author today
.
Thank you for sharing, and I hope you always have him as your muse.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing this tragic, beautiful, moving piece of your life. I have tears in my eyes because I know what you’re feeling . . . I’ve felt it too and feel it still . . . and could never hope to articulate it as powerfully and eloquently as you did. Congrats for keeping on breathing and climbing those mountains and finding your voice and not letting go.
Wow. Thank you so much, everyone. Your kind words and comments mean more to me than you can imagine.
*hugs*
Thanks for sharing, Karen.
You dedicated TANGLED TIDES to Anthony didn’t you? Now I understand the dedication. Lots of hugs,
Sara
A seriously aw-inspiring letter. Thank you for having the courage to share your story with the world.
Wow, I literally had chills.
thank you for sharing Karen.
Phew. Oh, man. Crying and wishing I could give you a hug. Thank you for sharing this. You are one strong woman.
How incredibly heartbreaking, but what a beautiful story at the same time. Thank you so much for sharing this with us Karen. (((hugs)))
Sara, no, I dedicated Tangled Tides to my mom. <3
But Treygan's character is based on Anthony in many ways. And a grown up version of Anthony is in Grasping At Eternity (that's probably what you remember reading).
I started a novel that's a paranormal twist on this incident. Someday I'll finish it.
*hugs to you too.
You made me cry, Karen. I’m sure Anthony is very proud of you.
Karen, dang it. I’d just put my makeup on.
Great letter to your teen self. Thanks for sharing it. Love your pics, too.
Cyber hugs and a chocolate cupcake!
Officially crying. I knew a girl from high school who lost her boyfriend of three years. I don’t think any of us knew what she was going through or how to help her. You’re amazing. A beautiful letter.
Karen!!!!! (((HUGS))) What a heartbreak. Beautifully written. I will think about your story for a very long time to come.
((hugs)) Thank you for sharing these letters to Younger Karen and all of us. I’m glad that Anthony never really leaves you–sounds like he was a treasure.
Wow, Karen, wow. Sad, hopeful, inspiring. You do have a way with words. Thank you for sharing.
You should be so proud of the strong woman you’ve grown into — and the beautiful writer that was born out of tragedy. Thank you for sharing your story.
<3
Thank you so much for sharing. I literally cried as I read it. I’m so sorry for your loss and can’t imagine trying to process such a huge loss as a teenager.
I was in a car accident last year and there are no words to express the fear of seeing headlights racing toward your loved-one’s window. A little while after it happened, I blogged about it in an effort to process the whole event.
http://rachelpudelek.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-car-accident.html
Karen, that was beautiful. <3
What a beautifully written letter, Karen. My heart aches for you. *hugs*
(((BEAR HUG)))
Karen, what a tragic loss you suffered. Your letters are incredible, as is your human spirit. I hope you do write that story one day.
Wow, Karen. Thank you for sharing these beautiful letters. **wipes tears from eyes**
Karen thank you so much for sharing your story. The way you have with words .. It’s so beautiful.
I can’t even start explaining you how your letters moved me ..
I look forward to reading that book.
Words can’t express how moved I’ve been by all of the comments here. I teared up while reading all of your kind words. Thank you times infinity, everyone. <3
Wow. My heart breaks for you. What a horrific thing to happen. I’m glad you survived and learned to live again. I’m sure Anthony will always be a part of you. *hugs*
Beautiful. Amazing. I’m crying. Thanks so much for sharing Karen.
I’m tearing up. This letter is lovely and raw and haunting. *hugs*
Beautiful letter and tribute, Karen. *hugs*
*wipes tears*
Thanks for sharing, Karen. *hugs*
<3,
Lola
Thank goodness for the Mrs. Geczys of this world. I’m so glad she was there to encourage you to use your strength and talent to fight your way back from such grief.
This is a heartbreaking story, but what shines through again and again is your spirit and great heart. Thanks for sharing it. <3
Moving, as always, Karen. Thank you for sharing your amazing talent with us.
Your words are amazing. It breaks my heart to read them and such a powerful message to live life to the fullest.
This story moved me from the moment I first heard it, but never quite this strongly. *huge hug*
You have a gift of sharing with unbending strength and haunting vulnerability in the same moment. Thank you for opening up such deep, horrible and precious memories. And for your hope.
Catherine Denton
Such an interesting and moving story. Thank you.
Wow Karen, this is so powerful and moving. The lump in my throat burns. I’ll be thinking of your experiences with and without Anthony for a long time. Thanks for sharing such a personal story.
I should have waited to read this home. This gut-wrenching honest letter was the most beautiful thing I’ve read in a long time. The strength pulled from this letter will leave me walking away feeling more empowered and thankful that I’m alive and live like there is no tomorrow. Thank you for this inpsiring letter. You, my dear, are amazing.
So, so sorry for the sadness you experienced. I can not imagine going through that. :O(
What a beautiful letter and tribute, Karen. Your strength after such an enormous loss is inspiring.
What a beautiful letter and tribute, Karen. Your strength after such an enormous loss is inspiring.
Even as a writer I can’t find adequate words to express how much all of your heartfelt comments mean to me. Thanks so so much for the outpouring of kindness and support. Seriously, I’m virtually giving each of you a hug. <3
It was a long time ago, but I’m still ever so sorry for your loss. But you’re right that those who are gone never really leave us.
thanks for sharing!
What’s most incredible to me: we DO heal. I hope this letter reaches the teens it can reassure–even if it can’t get all the way to Teen Karen.
That is awful. *HUGS* Thanks so sharing!