Dear Teen Me from Author Kim Baccellia (THE EARRINGS OF IXTUMEA, CROSSED OUT)
Dear Kimi,
Luther Burbank HS 1977 Year Book. Teen Kim is in the third row down, fourth from the left.
I know right now you feel as if no one understands you. The pain inside and the resentment you feel toward your mother for staying with your crazy father consumes you. I know that you’ve cried so much that you feel numb inside. I know that nothing can tune out the nightly fights of your parents or the fear that your father will indeed carry out his threats against you. I can still hear him walking through the hallways screaming at his demons. I flinch even now as he pounds his fist through the drywall.
Be strong, chica.
I’m writing this to let you know you are someone and that you aren’t to blame for your father’s craziness even though others around you say it’s your fault.
I know you feel ugly and worthless. Some days the pain of hearing your father beat and rape your mother is almost too much to handle. I know the gun in your father’s cabinet calls out to you to just end it all.
I’m telling you not to listen to those who bring you down but instead to listen to your still quiet voice that tells you that you are strong. That voice is right. You are strong.
Photos of Kim at 9 with her boxer dog Bandit, at 13 with her younger brother, and at 16
Right, I can hear you say, what do I know? But, Kimi, I do know it will get better. The sun will break through the cloudy and stormy days. Also keep listening to that one inner voice that tells you that you can succeed. Listen to Mr. Warner in Journalism. Don’t roll your eyes at him but listen to his advice.
Yes, you can do it.
Right now not many people talk about what your father suffers from. The stigma is painful. Your inner sense is right. He’s mentally ill. Later they will have a name for it: bipolar disorder. Know you are not to blame for his choices. Also know that he’s wrong when he says you are ugly, worthless, and how the world would be better if you were dead. This is how he feels inside. The poison consumes him. But this is not your fault. Never think it is.
Later you will write a poem that will express the feelings you find so hard to describe. The ending sums it up:
…You forced my touch on you
Everyday
But never once did I hear
Those words I longed to hear
Those words never were a part
Of your burned out
hollow shell
Hate was your master
control was your
god
Now as you shift
as blackened sand
in your unnamed universe,
Blown into oblivion,
sadness waters your grave
with loss carved
as your epitaph.
Let people in. There will be a few that will reach out to you. Don’t shut them out. Don’t listen to your mother when she tells you that these people will break up your family and that you’ll all end up homeless. The whole keep everything a ‘secret’ needs to be broken. If not now, you will do it later. Do not feel you are at fault. You never were.
Adult Kim.
Don’t listen to fear. Don’t let it worm into your being.
Whenever someone tells you that you’ll never get further than high school, look at that poster of BYU on your wall and say, “Yes, I can do this.”
Because you will. I guarantee this.
When the days seem endless and when you tell yourself you can’t take anymore pain I want to remind you that you are beautiful and worth much.
Hold your head high, chica.
Love,
Your future self
Lachesis Publishing, May 2010.
Kim Baccellia‘s YA paranormal CROSSED OUT is published by Lachesis Publishing and available now at Amazon. Her YA multicultural urban fantasy, EARRINGS OF IXTUMEA, will be re-released next year with Muse It Up publishing. Her YA fantasy NO GODDESSES ALLOWED has a tentative release date of Christmas 2011 and will be published by Zumaya Publishing.
A member of SCBWI and YALITCHAT, Kim is currently writing the sequel to CROSSED OUT and putting the finishing touches on a YA multicultural dystopia. She’s also working on BULLETS OF TRUTH, a story that is loosely based on her teen years growing up with a bipolar father. She lives in Southern California with her husband and son.
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Thank you, Kim, for your strength and courage to share this with us. I’m sure there are teens going through what you went through, and this shows them there is a light at the end of that tunnel.
Kim, you are awesome in so many ways, and this letter only goes to prove that more. Thank you for being who you are! We love you!
This one blew me away, Kim. Very brave of you to share this and I know it will help other teens in the same situation, so you’ve been so generous in the sharing.
Kim. What a powerful and brave post. You opened yourself and let the raw emotion flow into an article that can only help other young adults to understand, accept and move forward to a better and new beginning. Many thanks for sharing this story. May others find the strength and support you aim to give.
C.K. Volnek
Kim, can I just say that this is a beautiful letter. Bought tears to my eyes, yes it did. Isn’t it a beautiful thing when we grow up to see that we are strong and the things that happened to us – although sometimes can be so horrible that we think we will drown because of them, we become empowered, strong, and change lives. Because as a writer that’s what you do, you touch people in ways you probably could never imagine. Thanks for sharing you triumph with us.
Such strength, Kim! Yes, you are worth much, and so much more… I am humbled. Much admiration to you!
Wow, Kim, powerful!!!
Kim, I hope many teens read this letter. I remember well my parents’ fights and I how I believed they were my fault and hence my responsibility to fix. I am so glad you survived.
Thanks everyone for your kind words. This letter was hard to write at first but some other’s like Cheryl Rainfield’s letter gave me the courage to write it. It amazes me how many of us went through similar situations, like Beth’s letter above, and thought at the time we were alone in our pain. How I wish we’d known what we know now. That yes, it does get better.
Whoa. That just completely blew me away. I got chill bumps while tears came to my eyes. And I forgot you were writing to your young self. Wow.
That is the best thing you have ever written. It is so raw and vulnerable, yet so powerful and uplifting, so hopeful. It’s making me cry even now. Wow.
And the last bit of a poem you wrote? I would love to read the whole thing. It’s very, very good.
Wow. What a powerful message to those who can barely keep their head above water due to painful circumstances in their life (read: rape, verbal and physical abuse, etc).
Thank you, Kimberly. It was hard to write but once I started I couldn’t stop. I wanted to leave hope at the end because a lot of times stories on abuse don’t have that.
I’m hoping this can carry over to my one project I’ve been working on and off on. BULLETS OF TRUTH. I need to dig down deep and show the raw emotion while showing dept to the rest of the characters.
Thanks again for your comments!