Dear Teen Me from Author and Filmmaker Valerie Kemp
Valerie in 9th grade!
Hey Valerie,
So being thirteen sucks, huh? You’re the only one without boobs or your period, you friends from elementary school became cool and forgot you ever existed, there’s a mean girl who has decided it’s her mission in life to make sure you are never invited to anything, no boys like you, and worst of all, more than once, when walking through the halls of your junior high, or down the street on your way home, someone has shouted out, loud enough for everyone to hear, how ugly you are. Yeah. I really really wish I could tell you it gets better, but the truth is you have some pretty dark times ahead of you. The good news is, you survive. And not in that wounded, defeated way where you just hunch your shoulders and try to stay out of everyone’s way. No, you thrive.
The best thing I can tell you about the next 5 years is that all of the worst things that will ever happen to you will happen then. I know that doesn’t sound so good from where you’re standing, but from the other side, it feels amazing. You know that you can handle anything that comes your way. And from every single painful thing that happens to you, you will learn something priceless.
Like what? Well, okay, you know that boy you love? You will love him all the way through high school and he will never, ever love you back. In fact, you will hand him your heart in a gift-wrapped box and he will set it down and forget about it and then later, he’ll back over it with his car. (Um, metaphorically speaking.) And it will sting, not just because he doesn’t love you, but because he doesn’t even realize you’re living your own Shakespearean tragedy right in front of his face. BUT you will also discover that all of the things you’re feeling about him, he’s feeling about someone else and you’ll start to understand that it’s not that you’re worthless and unattractive, it’s not about you at all. And then you’ll realize it’s that way for everyone, all the time. Everyone is just trying to survive this life. Oh, and years later, you’ll find out that someone else was going through those same feelings about you, and you never even noticed. (Yes, really!) Which will drive the point home.
Valerie's senior portrait.
I know you think you’ve got it figured out. This is your place in the world. The bottom rung; where ugly, annoying, geeky you belongs for eternity. But you’re wrong. This time is temporary. It feels like forever, I know, but you are so close to finding people who get you, and a city that you get, and a life even better than what you dreamed. Hang in there!
So much of what happens to you in the next five years is out of your control, and that’s hard. It’s not fair that you’re an extremely late bloomer (although, when you get carded while out celebrating your 30th birthday, you will take back everything you ever said about your mom’s genes). But what you CAN control is how you deal with it.
This is what I want you to know:
You are beautiful. Not way off in the future when you’re a grown up. Right now, flat-chested, bad haircut having, skinny, thirteen-year-old YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Just because the people around you can’t see it, doesn’t mean that no one can. (And please, for the love of God, when someone tells you this, believe them! Even if it’s a boy. It’s not a mean trick, I swear. You will save yourself years of inner turmoil if you just believe this now.)
Just because one boy doesn’t love you back, doesn’t mean that no boy ever will.
Valerie on set directing her first film.
Dream BIG. When people tell you what you want is impossible, that you’ll never make movies or work in Hollywood, know that they are so, so wrong. Sometimes people shoot down your dreams because they’re afraid of reaching for their own and failing. Dream big enough for the both of you.
At the end of these five years, you will have made some bad choices. Forgive yourself. Don’t let your life be defined by something that you did when you were seventeen, and don’t let the bad choices other people in your life made define them either. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s how we grow. If you negate change in other people, you negate it in yourself. Don’t ever stop growing.
And finally, I want you to know this. You’re not weird, you’re a writer. And you’re not alone.
Love,
Your little-bit-older-and-wiser self
Grown-up Valerie.
Valerie Kemp is an award-winning independent filmmaker (writer / director / editor) turned YA writer. A film school grad, she has held pretty much every job the entertainment industry has to offer, and after many years in Los Angeles, she currently lives in Michigan where she continues to write screenplays and make short films. Valerie writes weekly collaborative short stories with her crit partners L.J. Boldyrev and Natalie C Parker at Tangled Fiction. When not writing, she can be found reading voraciously, watching British TV, or possibly, re-learning to play the violin.
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What a wonderful post from an exceptional woman! Kudos to you, teen-Valerie for becoming who you are today! *hugs*
Thank you Lacey!
Sometimes people shoot down your dreams because they’re afraid of reaching for their own and failing. Dream big enough for the both of you.
This is such great advice and well stated and I think one of the hard things about being a teen. You’re working so hard to define yourself, surrounded be a thousand others doing the same thing, it’s easy to get lost in what other people say you are. Actually, I’m not convinced this stops when you break out of the teen years.
Great essay, Valerie!
Thanks Natalie! I think it’s so true. It doesn’t ever really stop, but it does get easier to spot!
Valerie!! I want to cry after reading that, but in a good way. You are so amazing,and I’m so glad to have met you even if only in the interwebs.
Wow, thank you so much! Happy tears make me happy! I’m glad to have “met” you too!
OMG…I heart you. This sounds so much like me (minus the Blossom hat).
Aw, thanks! I heart you too! (And yeah I don’t know what I was thinking with the hat. I swear that pic is the only time I ever wore it!)
Haha! It IS a “Blossom hat”! Loved that show.
Valerie–what a beautiful letter from a beautiful and talented woman! “You’re not weird, you’re a writer” is a great line. Thanks for sharing this with us.
Thanks Kristi! It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t weird, just a writer so I’m glad it resonated with you!
I absolutely love “You’re not weird. You’re a writer.”
Thank you! I think it’s so true about writers. We seem weird, but we’re really not… really!
Great letter – I hate how horrible people can be in high school!!! (And middle school… and elementary school… and actually once you’re grown up too!) You’re beautiful, and I agree – you were beautiful then too.
Thank you so much! I did hate how mean people can be, but I’m grateful for it now. (Not that I ever want to go through junior high again! LOL)