Dear Teen Me, from Author Cheryl Rainfield (SCARS)
Dear Teen Cheryl,
Like Kendra, the main character in Scars, I used art as a way to cope and to heal. This is a drawing I did when I was a teen being abused--and it's a drawing I mention in Scars. I drew it first in pencil, then in ink. I tried to show the pain of sexual abuse, the way it can affect your entire life (though it gets better over time).
I know–you’re in pain. You’re struggling every day to get through. You feel desperate for good, safe parents and family that you’ll never get, desperate to not be abused, not be in such pain and fear and despair. Home is hell–real hell. School means being an outsider, being bullied, struggling to care about things that don’t seem to apply to the abuse you’re living. You’re working SO horribly hard on healing, on trying to get safe, to remember all the abuse and get out. But it feels like it’ll never end–the abuse, the pain, the terror. The trauma. And on top of it all, never fitting in. Being so shy, so introverted, so scared it hurts.
You feel so alone. I know you do, hon. And the pain–sometimes you feel like you can’t get through it. Sometimes you want to die. Sometimes you try to make it happen. But you know that what you really want–what you really need–is safety, for the abuse to stop, for a few people to truly love you, to offer you compassion. I know this! And you know what? You’re going to find it, all of it.
I found greater happiness and healing over the years, and this gradually reflected in my artwork. I think it takes tenderness, compassion, and nurturing to help anything good grow, including our own selves.
It’s going to take a long time. A lot longer than you’ll want it to. You’ll run away from home, you’ll have some tough times. But through it all, you’ll write, you’ll create art, and you will, bless your heart, keep looking for someone you can trust, keep talking about the abuse, keep trying to find safety. You’ll stand up for other people, over and over again, even when it means you get abused more. You have so much to be proud of, you know.
No, I know you don’t really believe it, not yet. I know you’ve taken in your abusers’ messages to your core–that you’re bad, you’re evil, you’re to blame for all the abuse, that you’re not worth the air they breathe, and all the crap they tell you every day and night. But I also know you see through it all, through everything they do, even as they mess with your mind. I know you’ll keep doing good–talking to other survivors, encouraging people to heal, to listen to their hearts. You keep talking about things other people are silent about, keep breaking silences, giving compassion and love and gentleness to people–and how you do it, without ever having had that compassion and love yourself, is amazing. But books feed you, art feeds you, and your writing–your writing helps save you. Writing and art and books. And your soul, your kind, good, loving soul.
I know you don’t think you’re smart, because you’ve been told for years that you’re stupid. But you ARE smart. Smart and brave and kind! And I promise you, you’ll get more and more proof of that, and eventually it will start to go in there, eventually you’ll start to believe it. And I know you still doubt it because of your abusers always telling you you are wrong or crazy, and because on bad days you struggle in school, while on other days you get 100%. But you’re smart, you really are. You’re smart and kind and good, and you need to believe it, hold on to it. Because it’s all true.
This is a self-portrait I painted as a teen, in acrylic. I tried to show the vulnerability and innocence there are in survivors, as well as the effects of the abuse.
You need to know that you’re not to blame for any of the abuse and torture, and that you don’t deserve to be hurt, not by anyone–not even by yourself. No matter what you were taught.
I know you dream and hope, and I know you’re so afraid you’ll never get any goodness in your life. And I know it feels like the good stuff is taking such a long time coming–but you will get there. You’ll get safe. You’ll find and keep some good new friends who’ll become your chosen family. You’ll find people who truly love you. And you’ll get one of your biggest dreams–to get your books published–books that will reach people, help people just like you, and even save some of them. You will make a positive difference in the world. You already are.
I know it’s hard–too hard most of the time. But you will get through, and it will get better. Try to believe in yourself. Try to have compassion for yourself, the same way you have it for other people. Try to be gentle with yourself, love yourself–and just keep hanging on. It will get better. I promise.
Love, me.
WestSide Books, March 2010.
Cheryl is the author of SCARS–#1 on ALA’s Top 10 Quick Picks, a Governor General Literary Award Finalist, and on the 2011 Rainbow List Bibliography (WestSide Books, March 2010), Dragon Speaker: The Last Dragon (HIP Books), and Skinwalkers: Walking Both Sides (HIP Books). You can check out Cheryl’s site, her book blog, or follow her on Twitter or Facebook.
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Teen Cheryl must have been very brave and strong to become author Cheryl. This is such a difficult subject and you handle it so well. Thank you.
Oh, thank you, Katy. That is lovely of you to say! I think I am strong, emotionally, was even as a child being tortured. And it feels good to hear you think I handle the subject well. Thank you for saying that.
*Hugs*
Thank you, Liz. Hugs to you, too!
I have a friend who I really wish I could have read this. She’s living in an abusive home and believes so many of the things you laid out. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to see her or talk to her for months — I don’t know what’s going on, but she’s cut me out. I worry about her a lot and try not to think that it’s my fault.
Thanks for baring your soul, fearlessly — and letting other people who are growing up just like you did know that there’s hope and a future for them.
<3 A million <3
Aw, Cayla, that is really hard. So very hard to be going through. I’m so sorry! And so sorry for your friend. But it’s important that you know that it’s not your fault. I doubt it’s anything you’ve done. When we’re being abused, often we will pull away from people. Sometimes it’s the fear and pain that make us draw inward. Sometimes we’re being threatened by our abusers, told to keep silent, or are being isolated, kept from the people who care about us and could help in a real way. I hope she finds things that help her great through. And I hope you keep finding things you need, too!
And thank you for the kind things you said. It matters a lot to me, reaching others, helping them know they’re not alone, healing is possible. I needed that so much when I was a teen….
Cheryl, your letter is smart and brave and kind! Thanks for sharing your amazing artwork, too. What I love is how you begin the practice of lovingkindness with yourself and radiate out from there. That’s an incredible gift – to give your teen-Cheryl and your SCARS readers permission to love themselves.
Gigi, thank you! (beaming) It took a long time for me to treat myself with kindness, love, and compassion–though I could always do it for other people. My abusers taught me to be the opposite with myself, to hate and criticize myself, and I learned that well. But I retaught myself, bit by bit–and it helps so much. It also helped, a ton, to have people who really loved me and treated me well, to show me that by example….
Cheryl~ Again, you’ve been so brave to do what you’ve done. And you are so right. It’s NOT your fault, nor is it any child’s fault, or abused wife, or anyone who’s being abused. You are strong & I love your letter to yourself. I know writing has helped me deal with some things, nothing like yours, but it helps, still. You’re awesome & fierce! Remember that!
Big Hugs~
Theressa, thank you so very much. Writing *does* help. I’m glad you’ve had it as an outlet and a resource, too!
Cheryl, your strength and compassion are amazing. Lovely letter about a horrible situation. So glad you survived and moved on to a better place. Wishing you much continued success!
Shelli, thank you! Compassion helps a lot–for ourselves and for others. Without it, things are so much more painful. I’m really glad you can see my compassion and strength; thank you for saying so.
How fortunate we have you in this world. Your courage, kindness, and generosity is something so many children need in this world.
Thank you for you.
xxoo
Oh, Heidi, thank you for saying that; that’s just lovely of you! It made me feel good to read. I really appreciate your saying that.
Cheryl, your letter is stunning. It reads with raw honesty and hope all rolled up in such a powerful message. Wow, wow, wow. And wow. I applaud the guts it took to write this letter and I suspect it will help any reader who has either lived through and survived abuse or is currently living through the hell.
Thank you, K.M. (smiling) I’m so glad you can feel the hope, as well as the rawness.
And very glad you think it’s powerful. I hope it does help others! I always hope for that.
Wow! The art is incredible. And I am so moved by your honest sharing. Guts! I’m on the YA listserve – lurking mostly. Followed your link over here.
So glad we have art and writing to get us through life!
Thank you, Joyce! And thank you for checking out my letter. Yeah–writing and art help SO much. I don’t know if I could have survived without them–and without books.
Hi, Cheryl,
I’m very impressed by your words and your art. Congratulations!
Jacqueline Seewald
author of STACY’S SONG, YA coming-of-age novel
Thank you, Jacqueline. (smiling)
Cheryl, your powerful words and powerful artwork show your metamorphosis. Welcome to the world, Sweet Butterfly.
I work with CASA (www.casaforchildren.org) and everyday I see the damage done to children and I am sorry that you endured what you did without the help of adults who should have seen it with an unflinching eye and then done something about it.
I am so glad that you have found your wings through writing. I always give the kiddos I advocate for a journal, a pencil, an eraser, a pen, and color pencils so that they have an outlet. I often wonder if it serves the purpose because abused and neglected children are very quiet about things like this. After reading your letter, I am convinced of the power of a journal and something to write with.
Thank you for your bravery.
Oh, Chris–*thank you*. Your “welcome to the world, sweet butterfly” comment made me tear up. And wow–you’re doing something so important, helping abused and neglected kids! I so often wish that I’d had safe, good people who saw what was happening when I was a kid, and could have helped…. To know you’re doing that for other kids, that others are, too–is wonderful!
And you are very wise to give those children a pencil and paper. Journaling, drawing, getting it out somehow, having a voice when we’re not able to otherwise–it helps immensely. Is sometimes the difference between survival and not. You’re helping to give those children a gift. And I’m so glad you can see it, now!
Cheryl,
What courage – thank you for sharing. As a friend, I know survivors and you all humble and amaze me. To have compassion for a world that has shown cruelty is an amazing gift. Thank you for sharing your gift with us. It inspires me to show compassion to others too.
Sincerely,
Sara
Sara, thank you! (smiling at you) I think that sometimes, those of us who’ve been through horrors know how much we need compassion in the world. Without it, it can be a pretty awful place. Compassion, kindness, courage–they help help so much. I’m glad you can see it in your survivor friends, and in me! And very glad you’ll keep having compassion for others.
I think you are amazingly brave to share this with the world. And I so respect you for allowing your horrible experiences to potentially bless the lives of others. Stories like yours make me wish I was a super hero, tasked only with saving children. Everyone matters. *Loves*
Ashley, thank you. I think speaking out does help others; I know I felt so horribly alone as a child and teen, and it made the pain worse.
I wish there was a superhero, too, who would save abused children! That’s another thing I used to wish for often. (Well, that, and I wanted to *be* a super hero.
)
[...] genuinely about young people and it shows in the honesty of their letters. Whether dealing with abuse, or culture shock, or a sense of isolation or exclusion, struggling to connect with their emerging [...]
Ms. Cheryl,
I just finished reading your book, and let me tell you, it is so such a inspiration to me. You are an amazing writer, and the courage and image you portrayed stuck into my mind. I understand was a rollercoaster ride for you, but in the end everything worked out. It makes me believe that everything will work out, even though it may seem bad right now. When I grow up, I want to be a psychologist so I can help people get through bad times. My only question to you is to ask if this book was 100% true, or if it was non-fiction mixed with fiction. Thanks a million for writing this. ^^ I just wish I could see you in person.