Dear Teen Amy, from Author A.S. King (PLEASE IGNORE VERA DIETZ, THE DUST OF 100 DOGS)

Dear Amy at 18, about a month from graduation,

Look. I already wrote this letter twice but my other attempts were going to freak you out. I need to warn you about something, but every time I try, it ends up a major downer, and that’s not really how it should sound. So this time around, I’m going to try a different approach. I’m going to give you a multiple choice test.

Before we start, I want to congratulate you for nearly getting out of high school. (I said nearly. You have a month left and while you’re stupidly counting your unhatched chickens, a certain teacher is counting your test scores and it’s not looking real good, sweetcheeks.) You managed it well considering you didn’t work hard and your grades sucked. I know you hate school. I know you hate getting out of bed at six o’clock in the morning and doing what The Man tells you to do. This will never change and you will eventually make sure you don’t have to use an alarm clock or deal too much with The Man, so don’t worry.

The Test: Read the questions carefully. Circle your answer clearly in #2 pencil. Some of these questions have more than one right answer.

1. That easy teacher you have for American Political Systems in your senior year is not as easy as she seems. She is about to:

A. Give you an A even though you haven’t worked.
B. Give you a pet long-eared rabbit.
C. Fail your ass so you don’t graduate high school.
D. Give you one last chance before she fails your ass and you don’t graduate high school.

2. I know you had some great reason for deciding that you wanted to become a forest ranger and for picking a college in the middle of nowhere but:

A. This is a small college. You will be considered even weirder there than you were in high school.
B. You do not want to be a forest ranger and you know it.
C. You are about to meet an evil person.
D. After her, you will meet another one.
E. Stop rolling your eyes. I’m dead serious.

3. This evil person from question #3, answer C is going to tell people:

A. That you are a Russian spy.
B. That you are a really a llama.
C. That you tried to kill her.
D. That you are a robot sent from Mars.

4. When this lie circulates people are going to be horrible to you. What kind of people?

A. Adults, like deans and other so-called professionals at the college.
B. Random students on campus.
C. Most of the girls in your dorm.
D. The campus psychologist, whom you are sent to meet.
E. All of the above.

5. When you tell the truth, people will believe you because her story is feeble and insane.

A. True.
B. False.
C. That gray area between true and false.

6. After months of having to live in a dorm with many people who treat you horribly and now claim they are “scared of you,” you will find out the real reason she told the lie. The answer will be:

A. She was bored.
B. She’s been telling lies her whole life for attention.
C. She wanted to switch dorms. (There are forms for this.)
D. All of the above.

7. When you go to your appointment with campus police two months later, the officer will tell you:

A. “There’s always some freshman girl who pulls this sort of crap.”
B. “You’re just unlucky.”
C. “Do you think if we believed it, we’d have let you stay on campus all this time?”
D. “Try to get on with your life.”
E. “You might want to transfer schools.”
F. All of the above.

8. I just want to say: Don’t date that guy while you’re going through all this.

A. Seriously. Don’t.
B. And don’t trust him.
C. And don’t tell him anything.
D. He’s not really as cool as he makes himself out to be.
E. He turns out to be a really bad guy.
F. All of the above, but I can’t stop you from doing this, so just know you will live through it and come out awesome.

9. When you go back to school after Christmas break (brave, Amy) and realize that everything is still all wrong, please follow your gut and:

A. Withdraw and get the hell out of there as fast as you can.
B. Don’t even call your parents before you do this.
C. Know that this is the first step toward everything you always wanted.
D. Also know that those few good people you met there will remain lifelong friends. It’s not all bad.

10. The coolest thing about this test is:

A. You’ll survive and be a better person for it.
B. You knew all along there was something awesome waiting for you on the other side.

Here ends the test portion of this letter. You passed. Good job.

So, maybe that didn’t freak you out as much. You know as well as I do that we like our reality sprinkled with humor, and I think you can handle this information. I just need you to know that life is going to get harder before it gets easier. But you have several AMAZING tools that will come through for you time and time again.

1. You trust your gut. I mean, except when you don’t. (See #8.) But for the most part, you know when something is not right. Keep doing that.
2. You cannot bear the elephant in the room. Don’t ever stop this. Keep pointing to it and saying “Holy shit! Look at that big honkin’ elephant!”
3. You’re just so damn nice and trusting that you don’t believe evil people can exist. The best part is that you will never lose this optimism for the human race no matter how many douchebags you meet.
4. You daydream about that Irish guy you fell in love with last summer because you know he’s your soul mate. Don’t doubt it. Not even once.
5. You value your family. You always will, no matter how they feel about each other. This will be something you treasure for the rest of your life. Stay in touch with them no matter how far away you move. (Yes. You read right. See #4.)
6. You know something is waiting for you. During those awful times in your life, you will feel it. You feel like you have a purpose. Do not lose that feeling.

There is something waiting for you. A lot of awesome and amazing something. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you! So I’m not going to tell you. Instead, I’m going to let you digest this warning and remind you that in only one year’s time you will have left this whole test behind you and will be marching toward your very bright future.

Keep daydreaming. Keep being yourself. Stay strong and never lose your sense of humor. Your daydreams are about to come to life. I promise.

Love,

Amy at 40, from my stronghold in the forest.

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A.S. King is the author of cult favorite THE DUST OF 100 DOGS and the Edgar-nominated 2011 Printz Honor Book PLEASE IGNORE VERA DIETZ, described as “deeply suspenseful and profoundly human” by Publishers Weekly, and picked as one of Kirkus Reviews’ Best Books for Teens 2010.

Recently returned from Ireland, where she spent over a decade living off the land, breeding rare poultry, teaching adult literacy, and writing novels, King now lives deep in the Pennsylvania woods with her husband and children. Her next YA novel, EVERYBODY SEES THE ANTS, is due in Fall 2011. Learn more at www.as-king.com.

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